I tried to teach my daughter a very simple truth about skill, value, and I could not find the words. Value comes from our actions. How many times we lived with others in mind. What we do, not to look good, but to genuinely help. How many times we were generous with others.
How to explain to a child that people create an image in their head, about how good, how kind, how skilled they are, and that this image is not based on actions but intentions. How to explain to a child, that people chip at each other, to gain a few inches in their own mind. How to explain to a child that the children bullying in the courtyard, are the future adults that will possibly pity and judge the unfortunate, and congratulate themselves for having their life together. They will probably judge everyone according to the money they make, perhaps even create relations, or sexual relations with people they will step on in their minds or openly, to maintain that sense of value they do not have.
How to explain to a child that in nature, the strong rule and the weak die, but in our society, the strong build houses and work in mines and the weak and sickly rule the world.
How to explain to a child that all this, is none of her business, and other people's actions have nothing to say about her but more about the people acting? How to explain to a child that value, kindness and living for the whole is the only way to feel happy in this world. To connect with others as equals- different but equals, and to stay out of the equation of someone's happiness or unhappiness. Help, observe, but not get into a self righteous ego trip.
It is impossible to explain all that to a child.
It is impossible to explain all this to adults, sometimes.
How do you protect yourself from someone talking you from a superior position where he put himself, how do you protect your heart from someone calling you crazy, fat, ugly, a loser, even if you know it is not true. It hurts all the same.
If you bent over for them to climb on your back.
Here is what I came up with, to help my child deal with the people of this world who will never see her for who she is, but to help her shine for her to come through it.
And?
The only answer that matters, the only answer that works is this one.
- You are fat! says the boy in front of the whole class.
- And?
-You have a big ass! You are ugly!
-And?
-I don't like you.
-And? What is your point?
-You are an idiot.
-And?
And this works with our inner critic, and our fears.
-I can't find work/love.
-And?
-I won't be able to pay my bills/ I will stay alone
-And?
-I will lose my home/I want love, a family.
-And? what is your point?
-I am stupid, unlovable.
-And?
Yes, what if you are stupid? Only smart people find work? in my experience it is more a matter of conformity. Only lovable people find love ? Hitler comes to mind and Eva Brown, so I'm sure that is not true.
Why dont we stop bombarding ourselves with labels as conditions for the love or life we will have IF we fulfill the conditions, and not start living and loving today? You don't need to be a genius to be productive, and fulfilled, and you don't need to have another person to experience the love you have inside. All you have to do is go in and find it, and let it fill you.